Sharpen Your Tongue: 9d20 Hilarious Insults for Your D&D Bard's Vicious Mockery

As a bard in Dungeons & Dragons, your words are your most potent weapon. With the vicious mockery cantrip, you can unleash a torrent of scathing insults to distract, demoralize, and damage your foes. But coming up with the perfect quip in the heat of battle can be challenging.

Fear not, for we have compiled a list of 180 hilarious insults, divided into 9 categories, to help you master the art of vicious mockery and leave your enemies reeling.

1. Physical attributes

When it comes to appearance, these insults focus on your foe's less-than-desirable physical traits, from unsightly visages to poor hygiene habits.

1. "I've seen more alluring warts on a toad's backside."

2. "Bathing is not just a suggestion, you know. You should try it sometime."

3. "I'd tell you to put a bag over your head, but I fear for the bag's wellbeing."

4. "You have a face only a mind flayer could love... as an appetizer."

5. "If ugly were a crime, you'd be serving consecutive life sentences."

6. "Did your face catch fire and someone tried to put it out with a fork?"

7. "You have the grace of a drunken ogre!"

8. "I thought zombies smelled bad, but you've proven me wrong!"

9. "Is that your battle stance or are you just naturally lopsided?"

10. "I've seen more muscle on a skeleton!"

11. "Your breath could wake the dead... and make them wish they weren't!"

12. "Did you get dressed in the dark, or is your taste always this bad?"

13. "You're so ugly, medusas turn to stone looking at you!"

14. "I've seen more coordinated gelatinous cubes!"

15. "You're the reason magical mirrors shatter upon reflection!"

16. "I could carve a better face out of a pumpkin!"

17. "Did you bathe in a bog to look this revolting?"

18. "Even a gelatinous cube holds its shape better than you do!"

19. "That hair's so greasy, the local tavern uses it to fry chips!"

20. "Is your barber also your enemy?"

2. Mental faculties

Use these jabs to call into question your opponent's intelligence, wit, and mental acuity. After all, brawn is nothing without brains.

1. "Talking with you is like conversing with a sack of hammers, without the charm."

2. "I'd challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed."

3. "You must have been absent the day the gods handed out brains."

4. "Hold still. I'm trying to see things from your perspective but I can't get my head that far up my own arse."

5. "Ah, you have the wisdom of an unripened turnip and half the flavor."

6. "You're about as sharp as a sack of wet mice."

7. "The wheel is spinning but the hamster fell off long ago, didn't it?"

8. "If brains were dynamite, you wouldn't have enough to blow the wax out of your ears."

9. "I'm amazed you remember to breathe with a brain as tiny as yours."

10. "Careful, if you try to think any harder I fear you may sprain your brain."

11. "I've had more intelligent conversations with a mimic!"

12. "I've met smarter goblins... and they were dead!"

13. "Your mind is an enigma... mainly because it's missing!"

14. "Did a lich steal your brain, or were you born this dim?"

15. "You couldn't outwit a sleeping kobold."

16. "Is your strategy to bore opponents into surrender?"

17. "I've spoken with more intelligent magic mouths."

18. "Could you remind me—are you this dim or just pretending?"

19. "Your thoughts must get lonely all by themselves."

20. "Is that your head, or is your neck blowing a bubble?"

3. Combat abilities

Mock your enemy's combat prowess (or lack thereof) with these witty one-liners that highlight their ineptitude on the battlefield.

1. "My dead grandmother could fight better than that and she has no arms!"

2. "Is that your attempt at fighting or some kind of interpretive dance?"

3. "You fight like a dairy farmer... no offense to dairy farmers, they're quite skilled in comparison."

4. "Were you planning to attack me sometime this year or are you waiting for a written invitation?"

5. "Your sword arm moves with all the grace and precision of a rusted hinge."

6. "Did you train to fight by correspondence or are you just naturally this inept?"

7. "Is this sparring practice or are you actually trying to hit me?"

8. "I've seen more dangerous kittens!"

9. "Your battle cry sounds more like a whimper!"

10. "Is that your war face or did you bite into a lemon?"

11. "Your sword swings like a rusty gate!"

12. "I've seen oozes with better footwork!"

13. "I've seen more force in a tavern brawl over the last biscuit."

14. "Was that an attack, or are you just trying to air out your armor?"

15. "You couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn—while inside it!"

16. "Even a training dummy dodges better than that!"

17. "Your strikes are as fearsome as a rabbit's!"

18. "Have you considered disarmament as a lifestyle?"

19. "Your battle stance suggests an aggressive lack of coordination."

20. "Did you train under a pacifist?"

4. Magical aptitude

For those foes who fancy themselves spellcasters, these insults will make them question their arcane abilities and magical mastery.

1. "Did you skip wizard school to play in the mud? Your magic is a joke!"

2. "Gods grant me patience... And save some for yourself, you'll need it to learn proper spellwork."

3. "Did you get your spellbook from a cut-rate carnival soothsayer?"

4. "Your spell fizzled harder than a mug of flat ale."

5. "A mage you are not. A stage magician, perhaps, with a lot more practice."

6. "Was that an offensive spell or just a very weak gust of halitosis?"

7. "Careful waving that wand about, you might give someone a splinter!"

8. "I've seen more impressive magic in a child's card trick!"

9. "Did you learn magic from a picture book?"

10. "Your spellcasting is so bad, you could accidentally summon a teatime!"

11. "I've seen more arcane power in a rusty thimble!"

12. "Your spell components must be made of wishful thinking!"

13. "I've met rocks with more magical talent!"

14. "Is that a spell or are you just waving your hands around for fun?"

15. "I’ve seen apprentices cast better spells while asleep."

16. "Was that spell misfired, or are you always this ineffective?"

17. "You call that magic? I call it tragic."

18. "Your spellbook must be a collection of blank pages."

19. "I’d say your magic is half-baked, but why insult undercooked bread?"

20. "Was that a spell or a desperate cry for help?"

5. Social graces

Use these barbs to highlight your adversary's lack of charm, tact, and social refinement. Because sometimes, the pen is mightier than the sword.

1. "Congratulations, you have all the charm and charisma of a rotting goat carcass."

2. "With an attitude like that, it's amazing you have any friends at all... Oh wait, you don't."

3. "If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I'd just pass gas. At least that's more pleasantly fragrant than you."

4. "I'd tell you to go to hell but I fear you'd greet the devil like an old drinking buddy."

5. "You have the tact and refinement of an ogre with a toothache."

6. "When the gods handed out manners, you must have been in the privy."

7. "Careful, if your nose gets any higher in the air a pigeon might mistake it for a roost."

8. "I've had more pleasant conversations with a mimic!"

9. "Your social skills make a hermit look like a party animal!"

10. "Your charisma could empty a tavern faster than a fire!"

11. "Your people skills are so bad, you could start a war at a peace conference!"

12. "Is that your attempt at diplomacy or are you trying to start a brawl?"

13. "I've seen more tact from a rampaging owlbear!"

14. "Your idea of subtlety is a fireball to the face, isn't it?"

15. "Did you practice that smile in a hall of mirrors... that were all broken?"

16. "You have the charisma of a moldy sponge."

17. "Is your heart as black as your teeth?"

18. "You're about as charming as a door-to-door tomb salesman."

19. "Your conversation is as flat as your potions."

20. "Was your personality split by a cursed sword?"

6. Ancestry & background

Delve into your enemy's lineage and backstory with these cutting remarks that cast doubt on their upbringing and family history.

1. "Your family tree must be a cactus because you're all a bunch of pricks."

2. "You must be the black sheep of your family... Or did they all run away to join the circus too?"

3. "I'd insult your father but from the looks of you he's suffered enough already."

4. "With a background like that, I'm amazed you can read and write. Did you learn from road signs?"

5. "I'm shocked your mother let you out of the cave dressed like that."

6. "The only thing noble about your ancestry is the noble effort others make to forget about it."

7. "I've seen more noble lineages in a pig sty!"

8. "Did your ancestors lose a bet with a god?"

9. "Did you get your title from a cereal box?"

10. "Your family crest must be a white flag!"

11. "Did your parents have any children that lived?"

12. "You clearly hail from the shallow end of the gene pool."

13. "Did you come from a lineage of jesters? Because you're a joke!"

14. "You must be from a long line of failures."

15. "Was your ancestor a scarecrow? You certainly have the brains for it."

16. "Did they kick you out of your village or did you escape?"

17. "Your lineage is so twisted, it's a wonder you walk upright."

18. "You’re the stain on your family's honor, aren’t you?"

19. "I guess mediocrity runs in the family."

20. "You make a strong case for your family’s exile."

7. Equipment

Take aim at your foe's gear, from shoddy armor to dull blades, with these quips that expose the inadequacies of their equipment.

1. "That armor of yours looks about as protective as a nightgown woven from spider silk."

2. "Did you loot that off a dead beggar? It certainly smells like it."

3. "Is that a rust monster in your pocket or is your gear really just that poorly maintained?"

4. "I've seen better weapons at a county fair ring toss game."

5. "That sword is so large... Are you trying to compensate for something?"

6. "Even a manic goblin scavenging for scrap wouldn't bother to steal your shoddy equipment."

7. "Did you make that armor yourself? It shows. I mean, it really shows."

8. "You must save a fortune on armor polish, since you've clearly never used it."

9. "Is that armor, or did you glue some pots and pans together?"

10. "I've seen more impressive weapons in a kitchen drawer!"

11. "Did you loot that equipment from a scarecrow?"

12. "I've seen beggars with more impressive possessions!"

13. "Your sword looks like it would lose a fight against butter!"

14. "Your shield has more holes than a slice of swiss cheese!"

15. "Is that a potion or just colored water in a fancy bottle?"

16. "Your armor must be second-hand, third-hand... tenth-hand?"

17. "Did you fashion that weapon from a spoon?"

18. "I’ve seen more impressive items sold by street vendors."

19. "Your shield is as useful as a paper hat."

20. "That cloak must be a curtain, given how it drags."

8. Reputation & past deeds

Call into question your opponent's claims of grandeur and heroism with these jests that poke holes in their supposed accomplishments.

1. "The only thing impressive about your reputation is how spectacularly you've managed to undermine it."

2. "With all the 'great deeds' you claim to have done, I'm surprised you have time to eat or sleep."

3. "People used to speak your name in hushed whispers... Because they were trying not to laugh at your antics."

4. "Your reputation precedes you... And then flees in terror once it actually meets you."

5. "I've heard more believable tall tales from drunken dwarves at closing time."

6. "With a reputation like yours, I'm astounded you can walk into any town without a bag over your head."

7. "I'd say 'I've heard so much about you' but I don't want to embarrass us both by elaborating."

8. "Rumor has it they tell stories about you to scare children into good behavior."

9. "Your greatest achievement is managing to dress yourself in the morning!"

10. "Did you buy your reputation at a discount store?"

11. "Is your nickname 'The Forgettable' for a reason?"

12. "Did you confuse 'infamous' with 'famous' when building your reputation?"

13. "I've heard more believable stories from a compulsive gambler!"

14. "Did you hire a bard to make up your accomplishments?"

15. "I heard tales of your incompetence, but they hardly did you justice."

16. "I've known training dummies with more heroic tales."

17. "You’re only known for being unknown."

18. "The most heroic thing you’ve done is not dying yet."

19. "You're a legend in your own mind, and nowhere else."

20. "I would recount your deeds, but I prefer to stay awake."

9. Personality traits

Exploit your enemy's personality flaws, quirks, and alignment with these insults that lay bare their true nature.

1. "I'd say you were as pleasant as a festering boil but I fear that would be an insult to infectious skin diseases."

2. "You must practice diligently to maintain a personality as abrasive as an owlbear with a toothache."

3. "You have all the warmth and charm of a lich with a sinus infection."

4. "Careful, you keep scowling like that and your face will freeze in a rictus of eternal grumpiness."

5. "Who spit in your morning porridge, sunshine? Oh wait, that's just your natural charm shining through."

6. "Careful, if your ego gets any more inflated they may mistake you for a balloon at the next festival."

7. "I've met more consistent people with multiple personality disorder!"

8. "Your moral compass is so skewed, it points to nonexistent directions!"

9. "I've seen more defined personalities in plain oatmeal!"

10. "Your character traits read like a list of 'what not to be'!"

11. "I've met mimics with more genuine personalities!"

12. "Did you model your personality after a particularly dull rock?"

13. "You have the ethics of a back alley cutpurse."

14. "I'd call you a villain, but you lack the competence."

15. "Are you chaotic stupid?"

16. "You’re as pleasant as a rabid owlbear."

17. "If pettiness were power, you’d be a god."

18. "Even demons have better manners."

19. "You're the reason paladins take oaths of silence."

20. "I’d call you evil, but I’ve met evil, and it can at least plan."

With this arsenal of witty insults at your disposal, you'll be ready to unleash a barrage of vicious mockery that will leave your foes stunned, demoralized, and questioning their life choices. Remember, as a bard, your words are your weapon, and with these 180 hilarious quips, you'll be a master of verbal repartee on the battlefield. So go forth, sharpen your tongue, and let your enemies feel the sting of your cutting wit!

Find this helpful? Then you might also like our collection of 9d12 insults, backhanded compliments and veiled threats from Strahd von Zarovich.